maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
