I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
