I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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