i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
