Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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