Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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