everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
