walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
