she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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