Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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