my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
