god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
