That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹ï¸
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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