You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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