I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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