Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
