shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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