I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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