its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
