Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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