just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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