As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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