hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
