I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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