I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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