Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
