i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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