i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Randomize
