if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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