And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I am mentally ready for anal.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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