Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
