he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
