How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
