please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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