Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
too bad you live with your parents still
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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