And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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