you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
