I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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