If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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