Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
