I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
