Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
