i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
