I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
