I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
