He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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