I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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