I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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