He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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