My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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