I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
