I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize