we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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