i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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