He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
