maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize