So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
