mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
