I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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