You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
