i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
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