oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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