he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
