my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
