I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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