Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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