I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
